Ann Coulter--Queen of the Lizard People

So, I lost a bet to my husband. For the record, it had nothing to do with politics. It was about my kids. I don’t bet on politics—there is always an intern out there somewhere just waiting to take a “sure thing” and make it a loser. Anyway, I lost the bet and got to choose my punishment. I could either read Ann Coulter’s new book or, well, the other option involved a French maid outfit. Knowing that the shoes that come with that outfit would have been hell on my feet and Bill O’Reilly told me to boycott all things French, I chose Coulter’s book. After having read it, I see the error of my ways. I would, now, certainly cut off both my feet and become a French citizen if I could avoid the torture of being exposed to her mind. But it’s too late now!

Somehow reading her book is like looking directly into the sun. You are both blinded and amazed; except, having my eyes explode like a hot dog in a microwave sounds like more fun.

Ann Coulter claims that she is the little guy. She has been discriminated against for years because of the bias in the liberal media. She goes back and forth between being proud of and complaining that most publications will not run her columns. She claims that this is because of her conservative views. I think it’s because she is obnoxious--but hey what do I know? She talks about the times in here life when she had so little work that she was almost broke and a mere scant seconds away from living under a bridge. I think this is a lie, mostly because she has a law degree and probably could have gotten a job doing something—but also because if she had ever been remotely close to living under a bridge--she’d be a Democrat.

But,Ann Coulter is not a democrat. She’s not even like the conservatives I know. She is a Lizard Person. Let me explain. When I was a kid there was a show on TV called V. It stood for Visitors. The Visitors came from outer space but had adopted a human form. At night, they shed, molted or unzipped their skin and took on their reptilian form. The Visitors claimed they were here for peaceful reasons, but they were really here on earth to steal the water and enslave humankind. Ann Coulter is Queen of the Lizard People.

Sure, she looks harmless enough. She’s even attractive--if you like that kind of thing. She repeatedly refers to herself as a “98 pound weakling” in her book. She should be harmless, but she is a Lizard Person and looks can be and are deceiving.

Basically her book is a collection of her past columns in which she kicks around Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy; to which I would like to say, “Honey, shooting fish in a barrel is not actually a sport, nor is it hard.” Ted Kennedy is a dinosaur. Bill Clinton is a pig. OK, you win. Now what?

She also informed me that Democrats are for abortion on demand, hate the United States, love the Soviet Union and support murderers, rapists and Klu Klux Klan members. Since I am a member of the Democratic Party, naturally I was surprised. I got the memo updating the secret handshake but the one that tells me I am in favor of all of the things she mentions must have gotten lost in the mail. Oh, in the spirit of fairness, I did already actually know that all Democrats cheat on their spouses and then lie about it. I didn’t, however, read anywhere in her book that Republicans do it too, which given the number of revelations and resignations during Clinton’s impeachment proceedings, we know is true.

I also discovered that as a member of the Democratic Party I don’t believe in God and have contempt for the opinions of normal people. Oh, and I also learned that as a Democrat, I celebrate every time “…a fork…” is shoved into the brain of a fetus.

What I like about Coulter is that she learned how to play the game. She manipulates statistics as well as anyone at the New York Times—which according to her is guilty of treason about seventy two times a day. She is strong in her positions—which given how inane they are, takes courage; and she never lets facts get in her way.

I also find it kind of cute that she has a crush on Bill Clinton but doesn’t feel like she can tell him. She is trying to get his attention by talking about sex and Clinton incessantly. I think it’s kind of cute, even if it is juvenile.

The scary thing about Ann Coulter is that as a Lizard Person she does have some mind control capabilities. There are those weak earthlings out there who haven fallen under her spell. It’s a shame, but it’s true. So now, I will have to abandon my SECRET midnight strategy sessions with the Democrats (where we decide how to turn the United States into the Soviet Union) and take up with the Resistance movement. Our goal will be to rid earth of all the Lizard People—just like Coulter says we should do with Muslims.

In a different world we would have rounded up the Lizard People and put them in jail, but we can’t do that now. Arresting and putting the Lizard People on trial, simply isn’t enough. Coulter points out that anyone who thinks the US is in the grips of a civil liberties crisis isn’t after the “same goal,” i.e. the safety of the United States. And on this point, alas, she is right. It is too important. The fate of the free world is on the line, so, extending out her line of reasoning regarding Muslims to the threat we now face from the Lizard People, we will simply have to act preemptively and kill them all.

I know this is tough stuff. It’s not pretty. Take solace in the fact that the Queen has not chosen to reproduce, otherwise, there would be millions of little Lizard Eggs all over the place and someone would have to stick a fork in all of them and make omelets. And who would we get to do it, since the democrats are already busy doing it to fetuses all over the country?

Comments

[Steve]

I would simply say this about Ann Coulter. I'd challenge you to deny her accusations based on the actions of the Democrat LEADERSHIP and those in power in the Democrat Party--you can't. Deny her accusations using the statements, votes, lawsuits and actions of the Democrat party leadership. And you won't be able to because every single thing she said is absolutely true based on the record of the Democrat party leadership while it is under the thrall of groups and persons like the ACLU, MoveOn.ORG, the plethora of freaks on Emily's List, NARAL, People for the American Way, a massive assortment of "alternative lifestyle" groups, senators like Robert Byrd WHO WAS A KU KLUX KLAN GRAND KLEAGLE (to which information you've yet to respond on my site), LA RAZA and on and on and on ad nauseum.
You seem to be a Democrat like Zell Miller--awfully lonely in your "I'm-not-like-them" stance and disconnected wholly from where the power brokers and movers and shakers in your party.
You've done exactly like what I've seen elsewhere; rail on Coulter personally with name-calling but with NO real refutation of the basic thrust of her arguments.
Common sense and logic dictate that you understand that when she says "Democrats want to..." she doesn't mean 100% of absolutely every single Democrat out there. After all, she's written approvingly of Zell Miller on more than one occasion. She's a satirical, political commentator and taking her so strictly in a way that you wouldn't even take yourself is just building a straw man.

[Petty Gentry of the Lizard People]

You wrote: "She also informed me that Democrats are for abortion on demand, hate the United States, love the Soviet Union and support murderers, rapists and Klu Klux Klan members. Since I am a member of the Democratic Party, naturally I was surprised."

"Naturally"? It's natural for Democrats not to keep up with what their party is doing?

...Well, that would explain a lot.

[Lee]

Chris!!!!!
Bravo! Bravissimo!!
Your post..A 'tour DE Force!'
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Steve(Not-of-the-USMC?)

First off. It pisses me off when you 'Righties' refer to the party as 'The Democrat party'. (Some smart ass back in the Newt Gingrich days came up with that b*llsh*t).
people who belong to the party, or otherwise agree with the party agenda are 'Democrat(s).
The party is named: The Democratic Party.
I challenge every Democrat, especially elected ones to ignore the 'Democrat' Party label and remain silent when it is used.
it's some kind of game of semantics, but leaving the 'ic' off the name makes it sound kind of cheesy..That's why they do it.
You can't do the same thing with Republican now can you?
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2nd
You and Coulter just love to drag out tired old dead horses and beat them although they are already dead.
Like making an issue out of Robert Byrd's former affiliation with the Ku Klux Klan, Blacks and Jews, who were the intended victims of the Klan's murderous activities, have forgiven the man, since this was long ago in his youth, and he has thoroughly repudiated his former affiliation decades ago. He since has been a champion of the rights of the common people. Give it a rest.
You dig this up, not because you give a damn about Ku Klux Klan activities, but simply because you want to make Democrats look hypocritical.
You and Coulter keep bring up Bithat Clinton, accusing him of everything that happens in the world today, even though he's been out of office for more than 5 years. Yet you can't seem to accept that the current president is responsible for a whole lot of bad sh*t going on now.
It makes you apoplectic to think that bill Clinton, (and Hillary, too), have twice the approval ratings than your 'Bush' (nukular-WMD-in-Iraq-nexus-to-9/11-$3.20 per gallon gas-jobs-going-overseas)-asshole does, and Clinton hasn't been near the White house in nearly 6 years.